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September 2009




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Sep. 16th, 2009

Horrible Day

I had such a bad day at work today it isn't even funny. I have a bad class, okay, I know that. However, I do a very good job at controlling them and helping them but today was just fucking ridiculous. They were off the wall and it was insane. And then, to top it off, they decided to have someone from downtown help me in my classroom. Help my ass. She is a total bitch. All she did was sit there and bark orders at me. ME!! Excuse me maam, but eat me. Let me do my fucking job and get off my ass. All the kids hate her and they're mad at me that she's in there. I explained to them that it is their fault and if they would behave all of the time for me, then she wouldn't be in there. And the whining. Oh my God, the whining. I apologize dearly, but if a child in my class asks me something while whining, I will completely and totally ignore them. It's fucking ridiculous. I swear to god, if I didn't need the money so bad, I would have quit today. I do love the job but today was just too fucking much.
I saw X-Men- Wolverine last night and it was pretty fucking good. I'm kind of mad at Jeff because, for the past couple of days, all I've wanted was some loving and I haven't gotten it. He doesn't realize how easy he really has it. In most relationships, the man has to play a guessing game about the needs and wants of his girlfriend. I am extremely straight forward about what I need and I am very open about it, all that leaves for him is to do it. Yet he won't. It pisses me off that it's so fucking simple and so obvious and he's just too lazy or too SOMETHING to do it. I really don't understand.
My kitten is now acting like a ferret which kind of makes me mad because, if I wanted another ferret, I would have gotten another ferret but I got a kitten because I wanted a cat. He fights like a ferret, he sleeps where the ferrets sleep, he tries to drink out of their water bottles. I think it's because I got him so young that he maybe thought the ferrets were what he is supposed to model his behavior after but seriously....
Anyways, I'm hungry and in a horrible mood. I will try to make time today to comment on everyone's posts. Have a good day.

Sep. 12th, 2009


I had such a horrible fucking dream last night. The boyfriend has been in New York all weekend so I've been home alone and I hate being home alone. This is how my dream went and me, the writer I am, may take a while to tell it.

I entered into a dark, quiet home in search of some food and possibly some company. I began cooking myself a large meal of angel hair spaghetti; red, vagrant sauce filled with garlic and italian sausage; creamy, white mashed potatoes; and a bright green salad. Once done cooking, I sat down to eat my way-too-big meal when I heard someone near the back door, creeping up the green, rotting stairs and  then running back down. At first, I resumed eating and then it hit me that it may have been James, a good friend of mine that tends to join me for dinner even at the oddest hours. Figuring he just left Danny's house, which is attached to mine, I opened the back door and yelled for him to come back. Just as the words left my mouth, I see two male figures with strangely similar facial features as two of my brother's good friends. I approach them, intending to make the conversation short and sweet when I realize one of the boy's is holding something. It's a gun. I've been frightened of guns since I was young, for some reason I think I was killed or shot by one in my past life. The man starts swinging the silver and black gun around and I attempt to retreat back to my house, the whole time explaining that I'm not comfortable around guns and I want to go home. I reenter my kitchen, shut and lock the door behind me and start to walk back towards my table, relieved it's all over when I hear the impossible. My old, heavy, wooden back door slowly opening.
One of the men had managed to follow me back inside and continue to torment me. He keeps repeating, "Oh yeah, you don't like guns huh, I'll give you a gun", all the while caressing my frightened face with the cold metal of the barrel. With an outburst of courage I slap the gun out of his hand and watch it land with a hard thud on my kitchen floor and skid to the far corner, and turn to my tormentor for his reaction. I see a look of complete and utter shock on his face as he utters the words, "I can't believe you just did that!", as his hands wander to his pocket only to reveal a shiny, silver hunter's knife. Leaving me no time to react, he takes this blade and shoved it into his throat; warm, dark, overwhelming blood pouring out and a wicked smile on his face as he collapses onto the ground. Just as I begin to dial the police, I hear the door open again.... and then my kitten bit me and I woke up.

Freaky though, no?

Short, But An Update

Yesterday in class I apparently did an entire rapid trauma assessment in ten seconds perfectly. I can only name two things I did wrong, and the guy might have lowered my time just because he thought I was hot but I'm proud of myself and think I did really good, regardless. I'm happy. It's painful to see how many people in my class don't know  their shit. Maybe it's just nerves but seriously... at least get ONE thing right. My instructors were,once again, hot, only two of them this time which I loved. I miss being single sooo much. I think it's going to start hurting my relationship but if he showed his love more it wouldn't be a fucking problem.
I am spending some time with the boys (Loki, Mischief, Kemota, and Oliver) which, I must admit is must needed. I have been so busy during the week that when I do get to spend time with them, I don't interact with them which is not okay with me. Accept for Oliver, since he doesn't live in a cage and can some see me whenever he pleases even if I am sound asleep.
I started my first bank account ever today and I made a decision to choose the rewards card, which is 25 bucks yearly but I get four points everytime I spend a dollar using my card and I can trade in the points for money. The guy said it pays for itself basically and maybe I'm gullible but whatever. I'm happy with it.
I also got my first paycheck this week which is pretty much gone. I thought I was getting paid for two weeks but I only got paid for one, which is 186 dollars and I had to pay rent which left me with 86 dollars and then twenty five for my bank account, and then I paid twenty dollars on a cool case for my phone. It was over priced but who cares. I should get a treat once in a while, right? Plus, I didn't buy the super expensive wallet I really wanted so it's okay.
I've been really depressed today and I don't know why. I miss my ex, as much as I don't want to and I just want to be fucking held. Jeff has to leave for work in New York at three this morning so he can't hold me... not that he would even if he didn't. I'm just sad. I'm so sick of missing people, I wish I could just have everyone I've ever loved here but every one knows that that is unrealistic. I still do. I am unrealistic hahah.
I went to my friend, Lizzie and Christina's, house tonight. You know, my childhood friends that moved literally a block away from me now. I miss them and I had a lot of fun but I think it might have depressed me more hahah.
I don't know where I'm going with this journal entry. I'm just kind of blabbing on and on and I've been drinking which makes it worse so I'm just going to go now. Night guys.

Sep. 9th, 2009

Certified In CPR

Today, in class, I learned CPR, passed all the practicals for it which include adult CPR with BVM (Bag Valve Mask, those weird things you see on emergency room shows that they squeeze), child CPR, infant CPR, and use of an AED (Automatic Electronic Defibrillator I believe). I got a 100 on the written exam and, as of right now, I'm at number 4 out of 36 in the class and I have a 93.37% average, not including the two 100s I earned today. Go. Me. CPR is hard. I am sore as fuck from it, not to mention I've been feeling like shit all day.
I've had a horrible migraine all day and, for those of you who don't know, I've been plagued with disgusting horrid migraines since the age of six with no explanation, and they are EXCRUCIATING. So, after class which went on forever and involved an encumbering amount of physical activity, I came home to puke my brains out (nausea is a side effect of migraines), take a two hour shower, and then call my mom to cry because we have none of the remedies I used to have at home that make me feel better when I'm sick. I am a fucking baby when I'm sick, it's disgustingly pathetic. My stomach muscles hurt soo bad. Since I'm so thin and so tiny, I don't have the muscles in my stomach to vomit so, when I do, I tear the muscles in my stomach and I'm sore for days. It sucks.
Anyways, enough of me bitching and moaning because I'm a baby when I'm sick. Can I just say that my kitten, Oliver, is adorable when he plays, but he is painfully adorable when he plays with the ferrets. It seems like such an odd combination to me for some unknown reason, but they are soooo cute when they play together! Not so cute when he keeps me up all night though hahah. That may be another reason for the disgusting migraine. Anyways, are you guys ready to meet my Oliver, who keeps trying to grab my fingers as they type?

He's about the size of a pack of Newport 100s when sitting. He's adorable. Not looking forward to getting him his shots tomorrow :(

Sep. 6th, 2009

Awesome night and day : )

I named my kitten, his name is Oliver A.K.A. Olly. He is adorable!!! He's a lot younger than they said so I've been feeding him kitten milk and wet food cut up. He lovesss to cuddle. He's sleeping on my lap right now. I wish I could show everyone pictures. I had to give him a bath earlier because he uses the litter box, but not exactly in the right way and ends up getting shit all over him. I love him anyways.
This is t he first time I've ever had a kitten, I'm really happy. The party was awesome last night, a lot of people showed up and I had a lottt of fun. I wish I could go to Six Flags on Wed. like I was supposed to but it's okay. That's what happens when you are a responsible adult and have to work your life away hahah. I am soo worried about our landlord (which is Jeff's mom) finding Oliver. She is going to flip a shit, which is stupid in my opinion because I pay rent and I take care of my animals. There is no reason she should be mad.
I had to put flea shit on my ferrets today and it smells sooo bad and I'm so worried about it making them sick but fleas can cause huge problems and no one at the pet store seemed to be able to give me an answer about whether it was safe or not. I really hope it doesn't make them sick. I'm so happy with all my animals : ).
My necklace is pretty too. Jeff got me the open heart pendant from Kay that I've wanted for a really long time and I love it. As far as presents go, that and a lanyard and two key chains is what I got and I can't find the lanyard or the fucking key chains with I'm pissed about... but it was a good birthday.
My grandma is suchhhh a bitch. I called her today and told her that I wanted some of my old Disney VHS tapes mailed to me for my birthday and, at first, she asked me to pay for the postage on my free birthday present and THEN she told me that I can't have them until I send her a stub proving that the social security from my dad is in my name. Fuck that. That's ridiculous.
I only cried about my Daddy once on my birthday and for a very short amount of time so that's good news, right?
I had much much more to say but I can't remember it right now hahah. Happy Labor Day guys!! Have a good one.

Sep. 5th, 2009

Happy Birthday To Meeee

I am so drunk right now so I'm going to make this a really short post.
I am having an awesome birthday,
I got a kitten.
My boyfriend didn't actually work NY.
I got a surprise party.
I got the necklace I wanted.
I got wa kitten.
This has been a good good birthday,
Details tomorrow.

Sep. 4th, 2009

It's Been Wayy Too Long Hahah

I know, I know, I haven't been on in sooo long. Shit heads upstairs haven't been taking care of the internet like they are supposed to. I have sooo much to tell you guys,
First of all, I started work. I am working the afterschool light house program which is basically teaching third and fourth graders. I have about thirty kids all to myself. The first day was HELL. They were testing the shit out of me and I was dishing it right back to them but it's getting better. I have such a strong connection with a lot of my kids already. They are hard and mean but, deep down, they are all just sweet little kids who want love. It's hard work but it's definitely rewarding. I get paid $13.50 an hour, three hours a day, five days a week and rent is 200 dollars a month so I have a decent amount of spending money.
School is going well, I bombed a  test but I got to retake it today (well, I was required to retake it today hahah). I got an 84 on the last one so I hopefully got a 100 on this one. I'm nervous but we'll see. I learned how to asses both trauma and medical patients, insert airway adjuncts, and artificially ventilate patients. I am grasping it well, wish I was grasping it better but I'm happy with how I'm learning. My average, right now, is 88, an A-, but hopefully the retake will boost it up. I am number fucking twelve and that is NOT acceptable.
My mom is not doing well, sad to report. I doubt I mentioned it but she woke up one morning and couldn't feel/move her foot so she went to the doctors and they said she "pinched a nerve". The next morning she woke up and couldn't feel her entire leg... it's not a pinched nerve. This was like a week ago. Then she called me when I was on the way to work today, crying her eyes out. She can't feel her left leg now. She is pretty much paralyzed from the waste down. The doctors can't find an answer and I'm not happy. I hate seeing her this upset.
My childhood friends moved a block away from me and at first, I was sooo excited to be reunited but now it's just sad. I mean, we always said that we would stay together forever but all three of them did and I couldn't so I'm like the one that strayed and it just sucks. I don't know how to explain it, I feel like we will never be as close as we used to be and it make me want to cry.
My birthday is Saturday. I was excited but now it just isn't that exciting. I can't see my mom because she can't drive, obviously, and I don't know... my boyfriend is working New York. I have a feeling that I'm just going to be sitting here, alone, all day. My birthday usually sucks. I always get soooo excitedddd, and then disappointed. I don't know, I think we've been through this before hahah.
That's it for now, I'm exhausted and I want to have time to comment on everyone's entries before I crash.

Aug. 26th, 2009

Facebook and College

I really need to stay off of Facebook for like, a really long time. One of my dreams was always to go to college and I'm not, ya know what, I can't right now and that's life and I can accept that. Maybe, eventually, hopefully soon, it will be a possibility and even happen. I'm not going to cry about it. However, I can tell you flat out that it is killing me to see people with worse grades than I had (my grades weren't even bad) from my graduating class saying how they love college and how t hey are moving into their dorm today and how they are going to class today. I mean, god damn, why am I not there? Where did I go wrong? It's pathetic to bitch about it because it's not going to come even close to changing it but it's so damn upsetting. It's even worse when people ask me why I'm not there and then go on a half hour rant about how smart I am and how I should be there and how much I would love it. I FUCKING KNOW. I want to be there. I wish I could be there but my life is just not where it needs to be for me t o start college so stop telling me what I already know and shove it. For now, I am going to pretend I never made a facebook so that way I can stop dwelling on something I promised myself I wouldn't dwell on. I'm going to class for my EMT, at least that's something, right?
Nights have been really bad for me lately, only really when I am alone but they are bad. I guess I am having a delayed reaction to moving out. I usually end up crying. I miss my grandma, I miss my mom, I miss my house but most of all I'm upset that they let me go so easily. I feel like they don't even miss me. My whole life I've felt like people let me go too easily from my dad all the time when I was little to my grandparents moving to this. It sucks. I guess you can say I have a complex. I mean, I know I'm wrong and that they didn't leave me but I left them but I don't feel that way. I feel like, subconsciously, the whole time I wanted someone to grab me by the ankle and scream, "Don't leave!" I'm sure they have their reasons for not doing that, but I wish they did.
I start work next week at the school. I hope I get second graders and not fifth graders. I'll end up beating the kids if they are any older than second graders. Second graders are so cute. I'm excited to start working and have money but it means that I'll have to pay rent which kind of sucks but shit happens.
My birthday is on the fifth of September. I'm excited and not. I think it's going to be a disappointment. I think I have my hopes up too high, like I do for every birthday. My mom is most likely going to be in the hospital because she is getting surgery on her spinal cord soon. I doubt my boyfriend is getting me anything because he's a jew. I don't know. I'm such a pessimist on the inside.
My phone is coming today, which I'm uber excited about. I'm worried that I'm going to be disappointed about that to because my hopes are up so high. I think, whenever I get my hopes up, I prepare for disappointment. Another complex from childhood I suppose. Everytime I got my hopes up about something when I was a kid like seeing my father or going to the zoo or something like that I got let down so now it's like an automatic reaction to excitement but I am excited!! It's been so long since I've had my own phone heheh. I sound completely bipolar in this post, don't I? I guess it's a reflection of the way I feel right now, all my emotions completely oppose eachother. Whatever, I sound crazy, I am crazy it happens.
Anyways, I'm going to go take a nap or something. Do this!!

Everyone has things they blog about. Everyone has things they don't blog about. Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don't blog about, but you'd like to hear about, and I'll write a post about it. Ask for anything: latest movie watched, last book read, political leanings, thoughts on yaoi, favorite type of underwear, graphic techniques, etc.


Aug. 23rd, 2009


I fucking despise my best friend. If I want to ride a motorcycle without a fucking helmet, then I will. My life. I know you care about me but if you are going to seriously sit there and tell me that if I don't wear a helmet, you will no longer talk to me then fuck you. I make my own decisions in life. I am not a little girl any more. I am not your little puppet anymore. I'm not going to listen to you. If I want to take risks in ONE  aspect of my life instead of my whole life being completely risky, then so be it. Stay the fuck out of it.
And, as far as my so called boyfriend goes. If you want to act like you don't give a fuck when other biddies are around, then fuck you as well. Go to fucking hell. I am one of kind, you will never get better than me. You will never get equal to me. You will never come even CLOSE. Change your act back to the way it should be, or else you are going to lose the best thing that has  ever came your way. It is not my problem that you are an insecure little boy that cannot take care of himself and that does not love himself. Get the fuck over it. I actually have confidence and know what I am capable of, therefore I shoot for the fucking skies and you will NOT hold me down no matter what. I am not going to waste my time on you. My time is much more precious then your very life.
I'm being a mega bitch right now and, the worst part is, that I can get much much worse than this. My bite is much much worse than my fucking bark asshole.

Aug. 21st, 2009

Things Are Looking Up

So, the past couple of days have been really awesome, which kind of worries me because whenever things are going THIS good, something really bad happens. Anyways, this is going to be short because I have a horrible head ache but to size up what is going well, here we go.
I got a 93.96 on my first quiz in my class and am now number two in the class. That and I'm actually absorbing and learning the material well, which is important.
The boyfriend is actually HELPING me turn the spare room into my own little living room : - ). So far, it looks really nice. The paint on the walls is hideous but I have to deal with it lol. Buttt, we have my T.V. in there, and a T.V. stand, and a coffee table which was all beat up so I put a really cool wall hanging (like one of those tapestries I think they're called) over it and put one of my candles in the middle, a couple of magazines, and an incense burner on top of it. There's a nice shag rug in there and a fish tank. Now all we need to finish it off is a couch and my old computer desk and desktop computer. Sooo excited.
Hmmm, what else. I'm getting my very own phone on Monday!!! It's on the way in the mail. It's a verizon phone, the LG Env2 or whatever it's called. The envy. I really wanted the dare but was not about to spend that much money (eighty bucks) on it and I'm not hard to please for I got the envy, which was twenty. Our landlord/my boyfriend's mom put me under her plan so instead of paying 60 bucks a month I am paying thirty (twenty but ten collateral in case I dick her over) anddd I have unlimited texting and free verizon to verizon as well as free nights and weekends. I am psyched. I have never been able to afford my very own cell phone. It's got to be too good to be true hahah.
That's all for now, see, I'm easy to please : ). I really am this excited for three little things : ). Goodnight guys.

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